Why do people not finish things? So many reasons.
Too busy.
Distracted.
Embarrassed.
Ashamed.
What I am making is no good.
It's too late. (That's a biggie.)
I haven't looked at it in too long.
It's a dumb idea.
Who cares what I think?
What do I have to say?
Does the world really need another [fill in the blank.]

I just had another weekend workshop, this time in Kingston, NY--first time teaching at Sari' Bottons' Kingston Writer's Studio. Really great group of people, wonderful writers. I am lucky in that I get really great people in my workshops. Anyway, over and over this idea comes up: I can't finish! It wears many guises (see above.) BUT, it all boils down to not being able to show up for ourselves and our creative work.

Look, there are so many reasons to not finish, hell, there are millions of reasons to not even start. BUT, here's the thing: there are TONS of reasons to begin, to endure and to see something through. Most of those involve focusing on our own needs and dreams and wants. This is why it's so hard to finish. The world demands our attention. It wants us to be nice. To play along. To say YES to things we may not really want to do but we feel obligated. We get told we shouldn't say certain things or want certain things. But, inside of each of us is another voice, perhaps quieter, saying DO IT, MAKE IT, RISK IT. It whispers over and over again, do the thing you want to do with your life. NO MATTER WHAT. It doesn't matter what becomes of it, or what people think of it-=-what matters is that you do it. No one else can. And, really do it--meaning, finish it.

Random, perhaps embarrassing, insights, updates and opinions relating mostly to popular culture:
—The Deepak/Oprah meditations are bringing me unexpected peace.
—Phantom Thread was dumb.
—Juana Molina’s music is giving me LIFE right now.
—I’m obsessed with a Coldplay song.
—Just completed Whole 30 and it might become Whole 365.
—Life without sugar cravings is a wonderful thing.
—The way that RuPaul’s AllStars works really bugs me.
—Shape of Water was sublime except for several moments of extreme violence.
—Excited to see Black Panther tonight.
—Roxane Gay scares me and I might want to be her friend.
—Junot Diaz writes beautifully.
—I’ve been wondering if I should wear more jewelry.
—I really need to see the Hockney show at the Met. I realize I don’t want him to die.
—Never a Billy Joel fan, I wonder how his supporters defend Uptown Girl (was playing in the supermarket yesterday, ugh.)
—Who is Bruce Springsteen’s understudy?
—Wouldn’t it be great if Bette Midler understudied Bruce Springsteen? Altho maybe not for the Bruce fans.
—The clerk at our local CVS just now reminded me of Kevin Spacey and I wondered what he might be up to now, and I thought: well, maybe he just found himself a job at a drugstore in some small town somewhere.
—I miss Madonna.

I've been taking a course on REVISING. It's been a revelation. It's taught by Chloe Caldwell. Four Tuesdays, the last session is tomorrow night. It's been really helpful. I'm thrilled to be heading into revisions on my own book. Thanks to a very kind, generous and capable copy/line editor, MARIANNE!! my stories are in the best shape they've ever been. I'll have the final fixes on the final four stories later this week and then I'll implement them. THEN, I begin the overall revision.

For those of you who know my stories, you know I write short pieces. The book, It Will Work Out, is a collection of stories that are in roughly chronological order (with major digressions within the pieces themselves.) The challenge is how to have them work as standalone pieces (which they already do) and still have the book succeed as a book a memoir. The subtitle of the book is A Life in Stories. So, there's the big challenge.

I'm going away in the winter with my pal and writing partner, Sari Botton, and we're going to work on our books together. I'm excited--up until now I've been rather intimidated to move from the short, discreet story format to the overall book format. However, the combo of working out the fixes/edits from Marianne and taking this revision course with Chloe AND, the time that it's taken, which has allowed me to STEP BACK and begin to see what I have. Well, I now feel ready. To contain the larger work. To hold the entire thing like I do a short piece and to refine the whole, thread the pieces, braid the themes.

I'm getting ready to finish this incredible project which has been years in the making. Some of the stories are 8/9 years old, some are from this year..

“Whatever it takes to finish things, finish. You will learn more from a glorious failure than you ever will from something you never finished.” -- Neil Gaiman

What are you working on? What are you eager to finish? What's keeping you from finishing? Let's finish together, shall we?

Hosting One of My Favorite Events for One of My Favorite Arts Orgs

New Dramatists is an extraordinary organization. Based in New York City, in an old church on 44th street near Hell's Kitchen, it was founded many years ago--70? 80? I'm not sure--to support playwrights. When I moved to New York I did a ton of work there--readings and workshops of new plays with an amazing group of writers and directors. In fact, one of my greatest honors of my career was being awarded the Charles Bowden prize, which they give to actors who've supported the work of playwrights.

Last night, I went to the city to host one of their annual fundraisers. This one is called NOCTURNAL COMMISSIONS--funny, right? A group of donors is assembled and they commission short plays that are written on the spot. After dinner and a bit of socializing, the donors and other guests go upstairs to the former sanctuary and are treated to a performance of all of the short plays that have been written, staged and then performed by a group of actors.

It's an extraordinary event. So fun and exciting and powerful. Watching artists make work on the spot is always thrilling. And, seeing 'civilians' become a part of that process--it's great.

It's important to make things--plays, songs, paintings, dances, websites, cartoons, blogs, pottery--and to find the generosity to share what we make with others. So much of what I'm thinking about right now is generosity and vulnerability. We need these characteristics -- to be able to share ourselves and our work and our projects and our visions--and to invite others to join us.

Here's to making art together--in all kinds of ways.

In Honor of National Coming Out Day

National Coming Out Day. What a funny holiday, unlikely, to say the least. It's not something I think about a lot, coming out, now that I'm 53 and married to my husband and living an out life that reflects my values. IT certainly used to be something that consumed a lot of my time--worrying about it. COMING OUT. So, as the day was coming to an end, I wanted to commemorate it in some way.

Things that make us feel seen.
I began to think about the things that have made me feel seen, especially when I was young and confused and afraid. Growing up gay, I remember watching for any sign of gayness--in books, tv and movies. It's hard growing up with no models, or no healthy models. This got me to thinking about gay movies. My friend Stephen Webber and I often talk about what are the good gay movies?

I made a list. My sort-of in order, top ten gay movies of all time.
Have you ever tried to make a top ten list? My friends and I actually have a game called Top Ten and you just pick a category and make a list of top then things: salad dressings, fruits, kinds of shoes, trees, rollercoasters, jazz singers--you get the idea. But, making a definitive list of movies, gay movies at that, proved challenging. I LOVE SO MANY OF THEM!

I shared my post on facebook:

I like my list. It's a good list. Of course as soon as I made it I realized I had to cheat to allow for more than just ten so I did that thing that always bugs me in all of those end-of-year movie lists, I created a few ties. As soon as I got ok with that I realized there were so many more movies that I didn't include. I shared some of those in a chunk of text below the list. Then, because I'm not an idiot and I expected a lot of gay blowback (ahem), and because what else is social media good for if not for crowdsourcing--I asked which movies I had forgotten. Now, the list is appended with a HUGE list of recommendations. I'll work to make this more presentable. In the meantime. Here's the list:
10. TANGERINE
9. HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH
8. PARIAH
7. THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA, QUEEN OF THE DESERT
6. HEAVENLY CREATURES/MYSTERIOUS SKIN
5. CABARET
4. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN
3. HAPPY TOGETHER
2. MOONLIGHT/PARIS IS BURNING
1. MY BEAUTIFUL LAUNDRETTE

but, wait, what about Far From Heaven, Prick Up Your Ears, Keep the Lights On, Blue is the Warmest Color, BOYS IN THE BAND!!, Cruising, Maurice, Weekend, My Own Private Idaho, Midnight Cowboy, High Art, Boys Don't Cry, Dog Day Afternoon, Beginners, All About My Mother and VICTOR/VICTORIA?!?

What else am I forgetting? [edit: Querelle, Parting Glances, Swimming Pool, Bitter Tears of Petra von Kant, John Waters!, Entre Nous, Carol, Talented Mr. Ripley, Satyricon, Notes on a Scandal, Caravaggio, Edward II, Taxi Zum Klo, Beautiful Thing, The Hours, A Home at the End of the World, Velvet Goldmine, Lust in the Dust, Sebastiane, Go Fish, I Love You Philip Morris, Tarnation, Law of Desire, Shortbus, Times Square, Perks of Being a Wallflower, Rope, Torch Song Trilogy, Bent, Death in Venice, Suddenly Last Summer, Tea and Sympathy, Brideshead Revisited, Philadelphia, A Single Man, Beginners, Another Country and an incredible Japanese film called Funeral Parade of Roses]

Ok, top ten lists are bullshit. But Happy Coming Out Day!

I grew up in a predominantly white, middle-class town. There were a handful of black people in my high school class.. I remember the first Latinos moving into our neighborhood: three sisters wearing flannel shirts and black eyeliner. We had one Chinese restaurant downtown. I knew one Jewish kid. We had some neighbors from India. My parents grew up during the depression; there wasn’t overt racism in our home, rather race didn’t really exist.

Moving to LA exposed me to a larger world but the arts aren’t very diverse, it turns out. And NYC, bastion of multiculturalism, is pretty segregated. In the summer of 2016, in response to the increased, no, more exposed, racial violence in the U.S., I created a bit of arts activism for myself. I’d exclusively read books by people of color for one year: to broaden my awareness, deepen my understanding, cultivate empathy, learn stories by people from backgrounds different than mine.

I am essentially an autodidact. Though I had some college I never graduated. I knew I wanted to act at an early age and sort of just started doing that in my teens and then into my twenties and at some point I started to be a professional actor. But I always read. My folks were both great readers, my mom still is--and, though I have had some great teachers (Bruce Smith, my theater teacher in Lancaster, Mrs. Mouring, high school theater teacher and countless friends, colleagues and strangers who have taught me profound lessons) it is through books that I have been educated.

There have been periods in my life where I DEVOURED books. Some of these have been the most difficult times of my life. Literature allowed me an escape from the pain of whatever I was dealing with AND to learn ways of coping. Empathy. Curiosity. Expansiveness. I'm in my 50s now and I'm a pretty consistent reader. I tend to read fiction but enjoy the occasional non fiction.

Last year, in response to the increased (?), more visible (?), continued racial unrest here in the US, I decided I would use my reading practice as a way to engage with issues of race and racism. Did I get woke? I don't know. But, being a middle class white person in America, I decided to check my privilege by exposing myself to stories of people not of my color. (I had read lots of great writers of color before--but not in an organized or strategic way. You'll see my additional list at the bottom.)

As leader of The Secret City, a community arts organization, I have come to see my participation in art making and art consuming with greater responsibility and urgency. It's a time of urgency. However, In case you haven't noticed, it's also an incredible time in the arts--films, music, literature--there's an explosion of culture that is thrilling. Whenever you feel down about the current state of affairs, I encourage you to turn to the arts--amazing people are making amazing things. RIGHT NOW. They are lighting the way.

I share my reading lists here. By the way, this isn't an original idea--I had seen at least one other person doing this and it struck me as a great idea.

BOOKS I'VE READ IN THE LAST YEAR:
With a few exceptions, these are all US authors.

The Absolutely True Story of a Part Time Indian--Sherman Alexie
Americannah--Chimamanda Ngosi Adache
Between the World and Me--Ta Nahesi Coates
Citizen--Claudine Rankine
Gorilla My Love--Toni Cade Bambara
Homegoing--Yaa Gyasi
Hunger--Roxane Gay
Kindred--Octavia Butler
Lone Ranger and Tonto Fistfight in Heaven---Sherman Alexie
The Ministry of Utmost Happiness--Arundhati Roy
My Year of Meats--Ruth Ozeki
Queen of the Night--Alexander Chee
The Sellout--Paul Beatty
Swing Time--Zadie Smith
The Sympathizer--Viet Thanh Nguyen
A Tale for the Time Being--Ruth Ozeki
The Turner House--Angela Fluornoy
The Underground Railroad--Colson Whitehead
We Love You Charlie Freeman--Kaitlyn Greenidge
White Teeth--Zadie Smith
You Don't Have to Say You Love Me--Sherman Alexie

STILL TO COME:
At some point along the way, I shared about my project on facebook and got a TON of great recommendations. I wasn't able to read all of them in the past year, but here's the list. I draw from it regularly:

Almanac of the Dead--Leslie Marmon Silko
Ancestor Stones--Aminatta Forna
Bad Feminist--Roxane Gay
Balm in Gilead: Journey of a Healer--Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot
Blue Boy--Rakesh Satyal
The Bone People -- Kerri Hulme
Book of Salt--Monique Truong
Breath, Eyes, Memory--Edwidge Dandicat
A Brief History Of Seven Killings--Marlon James
Bright Lines--Tanwi Nandini Islam
Cane--Jean Toomer
Castle Cross the Magnet Carter--Kia Corthron
Caucasia--Danzy Senna
Ceremony-- Leslie Marmon Silko.
Collected Plays--August Wilson
The Cooking Gene--Michael Twitty
The Count of Monte Cristo--Alexander Dumas
Days of Obligation--Richard Rodriguez
Delicious Foods--James Hanniham
Erasure--Percival Everett
Famished Road--Ben Okri
A Fine Balance--Rohinton Mistry
Fledgling--Octavia Butler
Hired Man--Aminatta Forna
The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms--N. K. Jemisin
If He Hollers Let Him Go--Chester Himes
Johnny Would You Love Me if My Dick Were Bigger?--Brontez Purnell
Just Mercy--Bryan Stevens
Kafka Was All the Rage--Anatole Broyard
Krazy Kat--George Harriman
Krik? Krak!--Edwidge Dandicat
Lady Sings the Blues--Billie Holiday and William Dufty
The Light of the World--Elizabeth Alexander
Love Bones and Water--Adam Zameenzad
The Lowland--Jumpa Lahiri
Memory of Love--Aminatta Forna
My Bondage and My Freedom--Frederick Douglas
Native Son--Richard Wright
Negroland--Margo Jefferson
The New Jim Crow--Michelle Alexander
Olio--Tyehimba Jess
One-Bedroom Solo--Sheila Maldonado
Out--Natsuo Kirino
Parable of the Sower--Octavia Butler
Push--Sapphire
Radiance of Tomorrow-- Ishmael Beah
The Star Side of Bird Hill--Naomi Jackson
Times Square Red, Times Square Blue--Samuel R. Delany
Topdog Underdog--Suzan Lori Parks
Venus--Suzan Lori Parks
Walkin' the Dog--Walter Mosely
The Warmth of Other Suns--Isabel Wilkerson
Wild Swans--Jung Chang
Woman Warrior--Maxine Hong Kingston

BOOKS I'VE READ ALONG THE WAY:
A selection of books by authors of color which I read prior to this year's project:

Another Country--James Baldwin
At the Bottom of the River--Jamaica Kincaid
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
Barbarian Nurseries--Hector Tobar
Beloved--Toni Morrison
The Bluest Eye--Toni Morrison
Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao--Junot Diaz
The Color Purple--Alice Walker
The Fire Next Time--James Baldwin
Giovanni's Room--James Baldwin
The God of Small Things--Arundhati Roy
House of the Spirits--Isabel Allende
House on Mango Street--Sandra Cisneros
I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings--Maya Angelou
Interpreter of Maladies--Jumpha Lahiri
Invisible Man--Ralph Ellison
Jazz--Toni Morrison
Joy Luck Club--Amy Tan
Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse--Louise Erdrich
A Little Life--Hanya Yanagihara
Love in the Time of Cholera--Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Love Medicine--Louise Erdrich
On Beauty--Zadie Smith
One Hundred Years of Solitude--Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Plague of Doves--Louise Erdrich
The Roundhouse--Louise Erdrich
Sula--Toni Morrison
Tears We Cannot Stop--Michael Eric Dyson
Their Eyes Were Watching God--Zora Neale Hurston

Additional sources:

10 Books I Wish My White Teachers Had Read--Crystal Paul
Inside Junot Díaz’s class at MIT: What the writer wants his students to read
salon.com|By Prachi Gupta
'The Fire This Time': A New Generation Of Writers On Race In America